Sunday, November 20, 2011

Holy WOW.

Well HIIIIIIII my beautiful friends!

I cannot BELIEVE that it is NOVEMBER! Not only that, it's the end of Novemeber and I have NO idea where time has gone. Wowzers. It has been the biggest roller coaster of my life and you know what, I AM LOVING EVER MINUTE OF IT.

Coming to the yoooooper was scary/nerve-racking/thrilling/mind blowing. I jumped in head first and it's been one of the biggest challenges/biggest blessings of my life. I have to completely depend on my man G-O-D to get me through. I was nervous about being new, not having a core friend group/community, and wondering if I would even survive living on my own. But sure enough, God has truly and honestly used this time to grab my heart and remind me once more how PERFECT his timing is. I spent months on months blaming him. Wondering when it was "my turn". I felt betrayed and tired. I felt like I wasn't measuring up to the world around me. I hated the state I was in but had no clue how to escape it. It's funny how He works. He has shown me SO many times how he always provide (hellllooooo, Jamaica anyone?) and I still wonder if he knows what the heck he is doing.  [insert smack on the head here]

So if you're reading this saying "Well now she's got it all together." You're mistaken. I definitely do NOT have it all together. Yes, I have job. Yes, I have a house and car. I am so thankful for those things. But..... I still have long ways to go before I have it "together". Trust me.

1)I have a helluva lot of loans that are about to kick in. HELP. I have no idea where all of the funds will come from but I know that this is partly why God provided this job. For that I am thankful.

2) I don't have a lot of friends up here. I am longing for that community we had a Hope. I wish I could just pocket you all up and take you with me where ever I go. Living alone does have it's perks but there are days when all I want is to walk out of my bedroom and have someone greet me. I'm sad. I don't get enough hugs in my day and you know how crucial those are to me.

3) I still look at Facebook and think to myself "I'm not measuring up." Believe me when I say that finding a job doesn't complete you. Yes, it has been incredible but I still have the same problems I had before I had a job. Remember  to keep your head up, friends. Where ever you are, whatever you're doing. God isn't just sitting on the sidelines. He is actively directing your life. Whether you feel him or not. I promise His loving hand is on you. I challange us all to think about the ways that God is providing for us this holiday season. Even in the little things. Don't be discouraged. You are WORTH it.

4) My weight. I am currently taking ZUMBA and it has been SO awesome. I am sore and tired but I can feel myself getting stronger and actually wanting to work out. It's awesome. It also helps that I can't really eat out up here because everything is so far away. I'm making my own food and working out on a regular basis. Mind you, I'm still getting into a pattern here, trying to find creative ways to work out on the days I don't do zumba but it's a process. I'm getting there.

So lift your head to the heavens. We've all got burdens. It's one day at a time. I'm just thankful for the chance to live this crazy life with people like you.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

life is incredibly ironic.

Life is just so damn ironic, isn't it?!




I also can't believe how fitting this title of my blog is. It is MY time for change, in every aspect of my life. God has provided in ways I never thought possible. And let me just say, if I were him, I would have turned the other way a long freaking time ago. I spent an entire summer complaining and not trusting that he had something up his sleeve. I whined when things didn't got my way and pouted when other people got jobs. I was jealous and insecure, waiting for the moment I could change MY Facebook status to employed.

But he kept me waiting. And I wondered. I ate. I cried. I cursed. I ate some more. I wanted to feel like I was wanted somewhere.

And then this job in Greenville fell in my lap. I worked hard and I was exhausted. I finally felt complete ( in an odd sense). While the students were SO tough, my compassionate heart kicked in and I really did love those kids. Even in a months time. My mom said to me the other day, "Hillary, if you would have stayed with that class, I know you could have changed them around. I just know but. But this is what God wants for you and I have full faith that He will take care of your every need."

Thank you, Mom. I really did need to hear that.

And just when I think I've found my place, God said "Trust me, I have more in store." SAY WHAT?!? I thought I found what You wanted for me this year.

Just like that, he opened the door for housing, a new car and most importantly, a new job. Why don't you just blow my socks off in a weeks time.

(ALL THIS AND I WENT TO A HANSON FREAKING CONCERT. I am pretty sure that kept me sane this week. Clare, CHEERS TO YOU.)

While I know this is directly about food, I wanted to take some time to thank you again from the very bottom of my heart. It swells every time I think of one of your faces. I am the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

I love you and miss you all.

Monday, September 19, 2011

sunrises and huge cups of coffee.

Goodness gracious, great balls of FIRE. Life is in full swing and let me tell you I've had to hold on for dear life. There has been a lot of changes within my job and as of now, I'm working in a high school Emotionally Impaired classroom at a larger high school about a half hour away from my house. Whew. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being busy, feeling like I have a purpose, and of course BEING A TEACHER but the change from doing much of nothing to having absolutely no down time. WHOAAA. I'm a tired girl. 

Which means I've wanted little or nothing to do with exercising. I'm inspired by my mom who has lost a total of 60 pounds since February. She is looking so freaking hot I can't even stand it. When she gets home, she literally puts her shoes right on and starts walking. She says that if she sits down, she won't get back up. I'm the same way. I need to be more like her and be that go-getter. 

On the up and up, I am now back at the 20 pounds I lost this spring. CHAAAA-CHING. Now, I just really have to kick it into gear, watch what I'm eating and lose another 20. :) Keep me in your prayers. Until I see you, enjoy the sunrises and those big cups of coffee for me. 

Love you. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I am kinda liking this thing called Fall.

I'm not sure if it's this colder weather or an extra surge of motivation, but man alive, my butt's been movin' and groovin' this past week. Maybe it's the start of school and a schedule but it's been a week full of no excuses and feeling good. In the past week I think I have biked or walked a total of 30 miles and the week isn't even finished yet! I feel great and motivated and on the up and up. While I know I probably won't be feeling like this forever, I want to keep this going! (And I will!!!) Only bummer is that I peaked at the scale early and I hadn't lost anything. Surprisingly, I was less put off than I thought! I had a good five minutes of "ughhhhhhh" and then I moved on. If I am feeling good, eating better, and moving more, it's all I can ask for!

Short and sweet today. I am actually finishing my cup of coffee and getting bundled up for a great bike ride. I hope things age going well for all of you. You are beautiful and successful women who I am so proud to call my friends. Have a great day, my loves.

Friday, September 2, 2011

i miss hope college.

I mean really, does it have to be so ridiculously painful? I honestly didn't think missing Hope would be so damn hard. I think about it constantly. I miss every moment of being in Holland. Even the moments I thought I might pull my hair out. I miss those. For weeks, I feel like I've been trying to prepare myself for the moment when people would be back there and all the statuses and such dedicated to Hope but nothing seemed to prepare me for this huge hole. 

Maybe it's because my job situation isn't ideal. I'm not really sure. I sometimes wonder if I had a full time job happening right now, maybe I wouldn't be missing it so much. Other times, I'm sure it's the community I miss. I miss coming home to my friends. It's so hard to be here at home where there is literally no one to hang out with but my precious 17 year old sister who pities her pathetic 22 year old sister and allow her to hang out with her and her friends because she feels bad. I'm so used to being busy. Busy in a way that I enjoy and coming home has been like someone punched me in the gut. They've taken me out of the game. I'm not sure how to get back in it. 

So what do I do to fill the void? Pray? Oh, that would be all too easy. No, I eat. And eat some more. And play the music from the Notebook loudly to fill silences. I know what I need to do. But it's not what I want to do. Does that make sense? I want to be able to put my faith in Christ but I'm angry and sad and frustrated and love playing the blame game. Which in turn, leads to the silent treatment on my end. I have people tell me everyday to tell God this. They tell me everyday to just give the burden up. But sometimes, it's honestly what I DON'T want to hear. It's like that annoying sibling that nagged at you while you were growing up. All you can think about is slapping them in the face because you want them to quit talking. Harsh, I know, but word vomit is happening at this point, and it's pretty much projectiling at this point. 

And this is why you can understand why food is so hard to turn away from. And I think sometimes, I am scared to give away the thing that gives me comfort. It's hard to give away the idol that is blocking you and your creator. 

So for now, I thank you for understanding my insecurities enough to read through these blog posts and allowing me to splash them all over the page.

I'm keeping the faith. As best as I know how. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

oh, the blessings.

Over the past month it's been a difficult journey and one I can't say that I am too incredibly proud of. I've had my ups and many downs with this battle and have often felt defeated and alone. 

That was, until tonight. Lizzie McGuire, you truly are such a gift and were God's words to me tonight. As I'm lying down for bed (my stomach is in knots because my job starts tomorrow and I have no idea what it holds for me!) my phone rings and it's my favorite Lizzie on the other end. Lizzie, your voice was filled with such joy and encouragement. I could tell that you were loving life and knew that God had placed you in Oxford for a reason. It was inspiring to me, to hear you trusting in Him and knowing that He has you in His hands. You also encouraged me more than you know by simply asking me how my weight loss was going. I was beginning to fall into this slump of "I could care less about this stupid cycle. I'll just be fat forever" mode. (Especially after my great aunt says to me this week: "Don't think that because you're big that people won't hire you." Way to point out my biggest fear, Aunt Carol.) But Lizzie, you called at the most perfect time and really picked me up. You reminded me that people are reading my thoughts, praying for me, and wanting only the best for me. They want to see me not only healthy but HAPPY. 

So thank you, to everyone reading this entry. Thank you for being my backbone. Thank you for always encouraging me from near and far. Thank you for pushing me to do better, to be better. Thank you for loving me enough to know that I'm not my best self right now. Thank you for being the best friends a girl could ask for. I don't tell you enough how much I LOVE YOU and appreciate every single one of you. Just know that I thank God for you often and am reminded through beautiful people, places, and happenings that I am the luckiest girl in the world. 

Thanks for riding the roller coaster. I couldn't do this without you. 

Friday, August 26, 2011

Arby's can suck it.

This blog post is short and sweet. 

I ran some errands today and on the way, stopped and bought a combo meal at Arby's. Now one might say. "Hillary, it's fine. We all make mistakes." But this wasn't just a mistake. It was a blatant disregard of my own rules. I wanted it. I didn't need it. It sounded so good and I couldn't remember the last time I had had Arby's. So with that, I decided to wolf it down in a matter of minutes, barely digesting the actual food. Worse part, I wasn't even hungry. I just thought it sounded great.

Also - I've hardly exercised this week. I feel sluggish and lazy. This cannot and will not happen. Tomorrow is a NEW day and I will be getting my butt out of bed to work out and remind myself every moment tomorrow that it is MY CHOICE to be healthy. 

Make it happen. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

x-rays don't lie.

Today I went to the chiropractor. Let me just tell you, I think my mouth fell to the floor when my doctor walked in. HE WAS ONE HELLUVA MAN. Tall, dark, handsome...married. DAMN. 

Anyway, he walked right in and shook my hand and introduced himself to me. Strong handshake, great eye contact, one major hottie. (And we were about to get up close and personal...well kind of. If you count cracking my back as up close and personal!) He won me over instantly with a few steps:

1) "You can call me Matt", he says as he sits down in front of me. UMMM HELLOOOOO. My theory is right, YET AGAIN.  Every Matt I've met is incredibly good looking. 

2) He was young, dreamy dark hair, and taller than me. 

3) He graduated from Calvin and loved the fact that I just graduated from Hope. :) Chaaaa-ching. 

4) When he asked my what my degree was in, I told him special education and he smiled and said that his wife was a special education teacher. 

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN MY HUSBAND IN A DIFFERENT LIFE. Bummer. Oh well...I'm seeing him quite a bit these days while he's adjusting my back. I'm fine with that. I'll just smile a lot. I heard that works. ;) 

All of this was a round a bout way of telling you that during my appointment he showed me an x-ray of my back. While he discussed what was out of alignment, I couldn't help but notice my stomach on the x-ray. The x-ray doesn't lie. I've got to get rid of that fat. But for realz. It has GOT to go. 

The last two weeks have been so up and down, I'm surprised I'm not dizzy. I have had moments of weakness where all I can think about is downing that last piece of chocolate cake sprinkled with oreos that's sitting on my counter and moments of complete satisfaction when I know that I'm doing the right thing and turn away from food and choose to ride my bike, jump on the trampoline, or take a walk. When you are so consumed with filling any emotion with food, you'll understand how hard it is to say no. It's become somewhat of a best friend that knows exactly what to say and how to make you feel better. 

I also find it extremely easy to sit and watch TV and enjoy the bickering of the Kardashian sisters, the total babe factor of Reid on Criminal Minds, and the ridiculousness of Jersey Shore. It's hard to tear myself away and take a walk, with my mind racing about everything and anything. It's time to be caught up in realizing that I'm not perfect. I think I'm beginning to realize that's something I've always struggled with. I'm not perfect. I never will be. 

So, where's the nitty gritty, you ask? Last week I lost 6 pounds! BOOYAH. Take that and smoke it.:) This week, I stayed the same. I know that this week has been less exercise and I know without a doubt, that's my own fault. I spent too much time sitting on my ass rather than up and about. 

Let's change that this week. Thank you all for continuing to be my accountability. I really need it and appreciate your love and support for me. 

Until next time. Thanks for reading. It means a lot. :) 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i'm convinced i would be really good friends with taylor swift.

It's true. 

I really am convinced that I would be good friends with Taylor. It's been my mantra all day today. From the time I woke this morning to the half hour I spent laying on the trampoline listening to her on shuffle. I not so shamefully admit that I even checked her website today and read her online journal. (Trust me, you will read it and feel like she went to Hope with us. She would fit right in.) She wrote about different experiences that led her to her album Speak Now. It was beautiful and sweet, solid and honest. And as cheesy and teeny-bopper as I sound, I throughly enjoy every part of Taylor's honesty and zest for life. She knows how to work it, and damn if I don't follow in her footsteps. 

I'm finding my zest for life. How do you like them apples?

The past few days, it's been a struggle to resist the temptations of cheese, free pop at snazzy Lake Street, pizza, chocolate, etc. etc. WHY DO THEY ALL SPEAK TO ME?! It's almost like I walk into a trance the minute I enter a place with good food. I watch myself mindlessly go for junk and continue to consume it until I feel nauseous. 

But not this week. Coming back from a bike ride Monday night, I stood outside chatting in that beautiful summer sun with my Mom. Man alive, she knows me all too well. It's like she has x-ray vision and can see right into my soul. GOOSEBUMPS. So naturally, the only thing I can do is cry and cry and cry. I'm sad/frustrated/nervous/not wanting to fail. While she didn't necessary pick me up, she spoke truth to me and for that, I am truly grateful. She reminded me of being accountable to myself and others, meaning what I say, and sticking with it. She also reminded me of how hard this journey is and how life changing and life saving it can be. 

And so to this I say....SUCK IT FAT ROLLS. 

No but really, this fat ass is OUTTA HERE. 

So what's changing? Bike rides and lots of them. Grapes instead of chocolate. Water instead of deadly Dew. Laughing instead of sulking. Living instead of dying. 

And that, my friends, is the Hillary I have missed so much. 

Peace, Love and free hugs. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

the beginning of the end.

It's my time for change.

Here and now.

No more excuses. Because really, I could list a million and one of them. But who wants to read a list of pathetic excuses? No one.

It's my time for change.

I've been sitting for an entire summer. I can feel lazy oozing out from every pore of my body. I would sit for hours at a time, watching mindless hours of TV (never mind that Shark Week is the most awesome thing ever), and consuming ridiculous amounts of food and Mountain Dew.  It's become one of those things where I am so comfortable with lazy that I have forgotten what it's really like to LIVE. What it's like to feel the wind, to feel my body, to feel anything, really. I'm consumed with myself. And yet, when you look at it from the outside, it honestly seems like I couldn't give a rat's ass about myself.

And this HAS to change. Because life is so much more than food.

I'm 100 pounds overweight. How the hell did I get to be so heavy? I think my Mom would like to believe it's the divorce, but let's be honest people, I AM OVER THE DIVORCE. Trust me. I know myself well enough to know that my eating habits didn't stem from two people splitting up. It's life. Shit happens. I'm really okay with it. (If you know me at all, you will know this is true.)

So when did this happen? When did I allow food to run me? When did I think it was okay to eat any emotion I had? When did I think it was okay to ignore the fact that none of my pants fit any more? When  did I think it was okay to be 22 and obese?

It has been said by many that I am one of the most joyful people they know. And you know, God really has blessed me with this unexplainable joy. I am blessed beyond all words and I am reminded often of how beautiful my life is. I have an incredible family, beautiful friends, a college education, and the world in front of me. I'm excited about being a teacher and while not having a job is definitely a stressor at this point, I know I'll be okay. I am such a lucky girl and for this reason, I know a change is not only something that should happen, it's something that NEEDS to happen.

Food has always been the biggest comfort for me. I throughly enjoy the tastes, the smells, the excitement I get from being in a place with deliciousness all around. It's almost like a high, you know? (Those of you foodies will completely understand this.) So for me, thinking about limiting my food is almost like breaking up with your bad-boy boyfriend. He's so hot, a damn good kisser, rugged, sexy, bearded, etc, etc, but when it really comes down to it, he's an jerk-off and you know in your heart of hearts, he's really not worth your precious time.

So why am I writing this embarrassingly honest blog post? No, not to seem like some trendy hipster who writes to say they have their own blog, because trust me, aren't we all sick of those? I'm writing so that you, my closest and dearest friends, can help me with this never-ending battle. I'm tired of my try/fail  methods. I want to win it once and for all. I WANT TO WIN THIS WAR.

And to be honest, it's scaring the hell out of me to push the send button because this means, I can't give up, like SO MANY FREAKING TIMES in the past. This truly is life or death. I'm choosing LIFE and lots of it.

So today is the beginning of the end.

And I'm thanking you, for taking part in this.