Sunday, August 7, 2011

the beginning of the end.

It's my time for change.

Here and now.

No more excuses. Because really, I could list a million and one of them. But who wants to read a list of pathetic excuses? No one.

It's my time for change.

I've been sitting for an entire summer. I can feel lazy oozing out from every pore of my body. I would sit for hours at a time, watching mindless hours of TV (never mind that Shark Week is the most awesome thing ever), and consuming ridiculous amounts of food and Mountain Dew.  It's become one of those things where I am so comfortable with lazy that I have forgotten what it's really like to LIVE. What it's like to feel the wind, to feel my body, to feel anything, really. I'm consumed with myself. And yet, when you look at it from the outside, it honestly seems like I couldn't give a rat's ass about myself.

And this HAS to change. Because life is so much more than food.

I'm 100 pounds overweight. How the hell did I get to be so heavy? I think my Mom would like to believe it's the divorce, but let's be honest people, I AM OVER THE DIVORCE. Trust me. I know myself well enough to know that my eating habits didn't stem from two people splitting up. It's life. Shit happens. I'm really okay with it. (If you know me at all, you will know this is true.)

So when did this happen? When did I allow food to run me? When did I think it was okay to eat any emotion I had? When did I think it was okay to ignore the fact that none of my pants fit any more? When  did I think it was okay to be 22 and obese?

It has been said by many that I am one of the most joyful people they know. And you know, God really has blessed me with this unexplainable joy. I am blessed beyond all words and I am reminded often of how beautiful my life is. I have an incredible family, beautiful friends, a college education, and the world in front of me. I'm excited about being a teacher and while not having a job is definitely a stressor at this point, I know I'll be okay. I am such a lucky girl and for this reason, I know a change is not only something that should happen, it's something that NEEDS to happen.

Food has always been the biggest comfort for me. I throughly enjoy the tastes, the smells, the excitement I get from being in a place with deliciousness all around. It's almost like a high, you know? (Those of you foodies will completely understand this.) So for me, thinking about limiting my food is almost like breaking up with your bad-boy boyfriend. He's so hot, a damn good kisser, rugged, sexy, bearded, etc, etc, but when it really comes down to it, he's an jerk-off and you know in your heart of hearts, he's really not worth your precious time.

So why am I writing this embarrassingly honest blog post? No, not to seem like some trendy hipster who writes to say they have their own blog, because trust me, aren't we all sick of those? I'm writing so that you, my closest and dearest friends, can help me with this never-ending battle. I'm tired of my try/fail  methods. I want to win it once and for all. I WANT TO WIN THIS WAR.

And to be honest, it's scaring the hell out of me to push the send button because this means, I can't give up, like SO MANY FREAKING TIMES in the past. This truly is life or death. I'm choosing LIFE and lots of it.

So today is the beginning of the end.

And I'm thanking you, for taking part in this.


  1. Hillary-Thanks for being so honest. I am excited for you to begin a new journey. I totally relate to you wanting to really live life to the fullest. Sometimes I feel like I just go through the motions (tv sounds like a common problem. haha). Anyway, I will be praying for you hardcore and I hope to get updates! GET IT GIRL :)

  2. so proud of you hill! maybe you should write what your love languages are and how we can best encourage you! i would love that ! you are so aware of this LIFE and it is inspiring and courageous. you are the best hill, much much love to you dear friend!