i miss hope college.

I mean really, does it have to be so ridiculously painful? I honestly didn't think missing Hope would be so damn hard. I think about it constantly. I miss every moment of being in Holland. Even the moments I thought I might pull my hair out. I miss those. For weeks, I feel like I've been trying to prepare myself for the moment when people would be back there and all the statuses and such dedicated to Hope but nothing seemed to prepare me for this huge hole. 

Maybe it's because my job situation isn't ideal. I'm not really sure. I sometimes wonder if I had a full time job happening right now, maybe I wouldn't be missing it so much. Other times, I'm sure it's the community I miss. I miss coming home to my friends. It's so hard to be here at home where there is literally no one to hang out with but my precious 17 year old sister who pities her pathetic 22 year old sister and allow her to hang out with her and her friends because she feels bad. I'm so used to being busy. Busy in a way that I enjoy and coming home has been like someone punched me in the gut. They've taken me out of the game. I'm not sure how to get back in it. 

So what do I do to fill the void? Pray? Oh, that would be all too easy. No, I eat. And eat some more. And play the music from the Notebook loudly to fill silences. I know what I need to do. But it's not what I want to do. Does that make sense? I want to be able to put my faith in Christ but I'm angry and sad and frustrated and love playing the blame game. Which in turn, leads to the silent treatment on my end. I have people tell me everyday to tell God this. They tell me everyday to just give the burden up. But sometimes, it's honestly what I DON'T want to hear. It's like that annoying sibling that nagged at you while you were growing up. All you can think about is slapping them in the face because you want them to quit talking. Harsh, I know, but word vomit is happening at this point, and it's pretty much projectiling at this point. 

And this is why you can understand why food is so hard to turn away from. And I think sometimes, I am scared to give away the thing that gives me comfort. It's hard to give away the idol that is blocking you and your creator. 

So for now, I thank you for understanding my insecurities enough to read through these blog posts and allowing me to splash them all over the page.

I'm keeping the faith. As best as I know how. 

XOXO