Holy WOW.

Well HIIIIIIII my beautiful friends!

I cannot BELIEVE that it is NOVEMBER! Not only that, it's the end of Novemeber and I have NO idea where time has gone. Wowzers. It has been the biggest roller coaster of my life and you know what, I AM LOVING EVER MINUTE OF IT.

Coming to the yoooooper was scary/nerve-racking/thrilling/mind blowing. I jumped in head first and it's been one of the biggest challenges/biggest blessings of my life. I have to completely depend on my man G-O-D to get me through. I was nervous about being new, not having a core friend group/community, and wondering if I would even survive living on my own. But sure enough, God has truly and honestly used this time to grab my heart and remind me once more how PERFECT his timing is. I spent months on months blaming him. Wondering when it was "my turn". I felt betrayed and tired. I felt like I wasn't measuring up to the world around me. I hated the state I was in but had no clue how to escape it. It's funny how He works. He has shown me SO many times how he always provide (hellllooooo, Jamaica anyone?) and I still wonder if he knows what the heck he is doing.  [insert smack on the head here]

So if you're reading this saying "Well now she's got it all together." You're mistaken. I definitely do NOT have it all together. Yes, I have job. Yes, I have a house and car. I am so thankful for those things. But..... I still have long ways to go before I have it "together". Trust me.

1)I have a helluva lot of loans that are about to kick in. HELP. I have no idea where all of the funds will come from but I know that this is partly why God provided this job. For that I am thankful.

2) I don't have a lot of friends up here. I am longing for that community we had a Hope. I wish I could just pocket you all up and take you with me where ever I go. Living alone does have it's perks but there are days when all I want is to walk out of my bedroom and have someone greet me. I'm sad. I don't get enough hugs in my day and you know how crucial those are to me.

3) I still look at Facebook and think to myself "I'm not measuring up." Believe me when I say that finding a job doesn't complete you. Yes, it has been incredible but I still have the same problems I had before I had a job. Remember  to keep your head up, friends. Where ever you are, whatever you're doing. God isn't just sitting on the sidelines. He is actively directing your life. Whether you feel him or not. I promise His loving hand is on you. I challange us all to think about the ways that God is providing for us this holiday season. Even in the little things. Don't be discouraged. You are WORTH it.

4) My weight. I am currently taking ZUMBA and it has been SO awesome. I am sore and tired but I can feel myself getting stronger and actually wanting to work out. It's awesome. It also helps that I can't really eat out up here because everything is so far away. I'm making my own food and working out on a regular basis. Mind you, I'm still getting into a pattern here, trying to find creative ways to work out on the days I don't do zumba but it's a process. I'm getting there.

So lift your head to the heavens. We've all got burdens. It's one day at a time. I'm just thankful for the chance to live this crazy life with people like you.

xoxoxo,
Hill

life is incredibly ironic.

Life is just so damn ironic, isn't it?!

First of all, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE A JOB.

Secondly, I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM MOVING TO THE U.P.

MOSTLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM.

I also can't believe how fitting this title of my blog is. It is MY time for change, in every aspect of my life. God has provided in ways I never thought possible. And let me just say, if I were him, I would have turned the other way a long freaking time ago. I spent an entire summer complaining and not trusting that he had something up his sleeve. I whined when things didn't got my way and pouted when other people got jobs. I was jealous and insecure, waiting for the moment I could change MY Facebook status to employed.

But he kept me waiting. And I wondered. I ate. I cried. I cursed. I ate some more. I wanted to feel like I was wanted somewhere.

And then this job in Greenville fell in my lap. I worked hard and I was exhausted. I finally felt complete ( in an odd sense). While the students were SO tough, my compassionate heart kicked in and I really did love those kids. Even in a months time. My mom said to me the other day, "Hillary, if you would have stayed with that class, I know you could have changed them around. I just know but. But this is what God wants for you and I have full faith that He will take care of your every need."

Thank you, Mom. I really did need to hear that.

And just when I think I've found my place, God said "Trust me, I have more in store." SAY WHAT?!? I thought I found what You wanted for me this year.

Just like that, he opened the door for housing, a new car and most importantly, a new job. Why don't you just blow my socks off in a weeks time.

(ALL THIS AND I WENT TO A HANSON FREAKING CONCERT. I am pretty sure that kept me sane this week. Clare, CHEERS TO YOU.)

While I know this is directly about food, I wanted to take some time to thank you again from the very bottom of my heart. It swells every time I think of one of your faces. I am the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

I love you and miss you all.

sunrises and huge cups of coffee.

Goodness gracious, great balls of FIRE. Life is in full swing and let me tell you I've had to hold on for dear life. There has been a lot of changes within my job and as of now, I'm working in a high school Emotionally Impaired classroom at a larger high school about a half hour away from my house. Whew. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being busy, feeling like I have a purpose, and of course BEING A TEACHER but the change from doing much of nothing to having absolutely no down time. WHOAAA. I'm a tired girl. 


Which means I've wanted little or nothing to do with exercising. I'm inspired by my mom who has lost a total of 60 pounds since February. She is looking so freaking hot I can't even stand it. When she gets home, she literally puts her shoes right on and starts walking. She says that if she sits down, she won't get back up. I'm the same way. I need to be more like her and be that go-getter. 


On the up and up, I am now back at the 20 pounds I lost this spring. CHAAAA-CHING. Now, I just really have to kick it into gear, watch what I'm eating and lose another 20. :) Keep me in your prayers. Until I see you, enjoy the sunrises and those big cups of coffee for me. 


Love you. 

I am kinda liking this thing called Fall.

I'm not sure if it's this colder weather or an extra surge of motivation, but man alive, my butt's been movin' and groovin' this past week. Maybe it's the start of school and a schedule but it's been a week full of no excuses and feeling good. In the past week I think I have biked or walked a total of 30 miles and the week isn't even finished yet! I feel great and motivated and on the up and up. While I know I probably won't be feeling like this forever, I want to keep this going! (And I will!!!) Only bummer is that I peaked at the scale early and I hadn't lost anything. Surprisingly, I was less put off than I thought! I had a good five minutes of "ughhhhhhh" and then I moved on. If I am feeling good, eating better, and moving more, it's all I can ask for!

Short and sweet today. I am actually finishing my cup of coffee and getting bundled up for a great bike ride. I hope things age going well for all of you. You are beautiful and successful women who I am so proud to call my friends. Have a great day, my loves.

i miss hope college.

I mean really, does it have to be so ridiculously painful? I honestly didn't think missing Hope would be so damn hard. I think about it constantly. I miss every moment of being in Holland. Even the moments I thought I might pull my hair out. I miss those. For weeks, I feel like I've been trying to prepare myself for the moment when people would be back there and all the statuses and such dedicated to Hope but nothing seemed to prepare me for this huge hole. 

Maybe it's because my job situation isn't ideal. I'm not really sure. I sometimes wonder if I had a full time job happening right now, maybe I wouldn't be missing it so much. Other times, I'm sure it's the community I miss. I miss coming home to my friends. It's so hard to be here at home where there is literally no one to hang out with but my precious 17 year old sister who pities her pathetic 22 year old sister and allow her to hang out with her and her friends because she feels bad. I'm so used to being busy. Busy in a way that I enjoy and coming home has been like someone punched me in the gut. They've taken me out of the game. I'm not sure how to get back in it. 

So what do I do to fill the void? Pray? Oh, that would be all too easy. No, I eat. And eat some more. And play the music from the Notebook loudly to fill silences. I know what I need to do. But it's not what I want to do. Does that make sense? I want to be able to put my faith in Christ but I'm angry and sad and frustrated and love playing the blame game. Which in turn, leads to the silent treatment on my end. I have people tell me everyday to tell God this. They tell me everyday to just give the burden up. But sometimes, it's honestly what I DON'T want to hear. It's like that annoying sibling that nagged at you while you were growing up. All you can think about is slapping them in the face because you want them to quit talking. Harsh, I know, but word vomit is happening at this point, and it's pretty much projectiling at this point. 

And this is why you can understand why food is so hard to turn away from. And I think sometimes, I am scared to give away the thing that gives me comfort. It's hard to give away the idol that is blocking you and your creator. 

So for now, I thank you for understanding my insecurities enough to read through these blog posts and allowing me to splash them all over the page.

I'm keeping the faith. As best as I know how. 

XOXO

oh, the blessings.

Over the past month it's been a difficult journey and one I can't say that I am too incredibly proud of. I've had my ups and many downs with this battle and have often felt defeated and alone. 


That was, until tonight. Lizzie McGuire, you truly are such a gift and were God's words to me tonight. As I'm lying down for bed (my stomach is in knots because my job starts tomorrow and I have no idea what it holds for me!) my phone rings and it's my favorite Lizzie on the other end. Lizzie, your voice was filled with such joy and encouragement. I could tell that you were loving life and knew that God had placed you in Oxford for a reason. It was inspiring to me, to hear you trusting in Him and knowing that He has you in His hands. You also encouraged me more than you know by simply asking me how my weight loss was going. I was beginning to fall into this slump of "I could care less about this stupid cycle. I'll just be fat forever" mode. (Especially after my great aunt says to me this week: "Don't think that because you're big that people won't hire you." Way to point out my biggest fear, Aunt Carol.) But Lizzie, you called at the most perfect time and really picked me up. You reminded me that people are reading my thoughts, praying for me, and wanting only the best for me. They want to see me not only healthy but HAPPY. 


So thank you, to everyone reading this entry. Thank you for being my backbone. Thank you for always encouraging me from near and far. Thank you for pushing me to do better, to be better. Thank you for loving me enough to know that I'm not my best self right now. Thank you for being the best friends a girl could ask for. I don't tell you enough how much I LOVE YOU and appreciate every single one of you. Just know that I thank God for you often and am reminded through beautiful people, places, and happenings that I am the luckiest girl in the world. 


Thanks for riding the roller coaster. I couldn't do this without you. 

Arby's can suck it.

This blog post is short and sweet. 


I ran some errands today and on the way, stopped and bought a combo meal at Arby's. Now one might say. "Hillary, it's fine. We all make mistakes." But this wasn't just a mistake. It was a blatant disregard of my own rules. I wanted it. I didn't need it. It sounded so good and I couldn't remember the last time I had had Arby's. So with that, I decided to wolf it down in a matter of minutes, barely digesting the actual food. Worse part, I wasn't even hungry. I just thought it sounded great.


Also - I've hardly exercised this week. I feel sluggish and lazy. This cannot and will not happen. Tomorrow is a NEW day and I will be getting my butt out of bed to work out and remind myself every moment tomorrow that it is MY CHOICE to be healthy. 


Make it happen.